Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.