It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
This line from Airplane.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Previously On Persistence 😎
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.