It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
