It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Please vote for people who are attractive
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
We will use anything but the metric system
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End