Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

this is the news I live for

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

Happy thanksgiving

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?