Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Saturday

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

oh good, now I can stop drinking

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

This could’ve been an email.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me