It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Croquettes are not female crocodiles