Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

uh oh

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

who’s gonna tell her?

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.