it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
[eulogy]
line?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.