It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*