It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.