It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person