It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
a fate I wish upon no one
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here