Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

they really wanted me dead for this

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.