Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.