Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.