It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
the simulation is moving too fast
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?