(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
smh
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
me when I see my crush
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*