Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

LMAO

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house