Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.