It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
True freaking story!
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.