Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

I have never related to anyone more.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles