Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.