It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not