It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
rest in peas
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
consequences, the bane of my existence
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.