It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.