Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.