It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.