It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees