It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.