It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*