Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.