Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.