Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.