It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here