Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion