It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
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*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*