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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed