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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Twitter remains undefeated
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.