It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Monday Lisa
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION