It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?