It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.