It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
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Godspeed, John Glenn
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.