it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.