it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
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A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.