@Phook75

It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me

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@Social_Mime

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

@GrowlyGrego

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

@solsayswhaaa

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

@InternetHippo

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

@KeetPotato

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

@hippieswordfish

COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close

@skedaddle74

My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?

Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.