If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
It sucks when I congratulate a woman on her pregnancy only to have him quickly correct me
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It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.