Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

man: wait

time: no

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Stop sending me this shit.

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade