Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.