It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before