It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Harsh but fair
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.