WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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i don’t think i can go back to a white president
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.