Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

23. the denim jacket

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.