It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
not seeing the problem
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Covert ops
*aggressively waits in line*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what