It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor