It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
You Might Also Like
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”