Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash