Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just witnessed a drug deal

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

This meal prepping shit easy

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃