It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen