It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
This is no longer an app but a mishapp