It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”