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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Inside you there are two wolves
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
#CoronaOutbreak
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there