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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Don’t forget to tip your server
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good