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[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
just having fun
