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Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?