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“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
The pen is writier than the sword.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
just left a huge legacy in there
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect