Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

fair

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

How do dragons blow out candles?

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

*offers Batman cough drops*

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello