Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.