Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Writing, She Murdered.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

a god among men

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason