*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It’s night where I am is it over can it be about me again
new boss: mind sharing an office?
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?