it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.