@HeyoShellz

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

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@Kica333

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

@josswhedon

Wait, women get the WHOLE DAY? Is that in every country? It’s night where I am is it over can it be about me again

@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

@Petote

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?