It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there