It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
You Might Also Like
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I finally found a reason to live again.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!