Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

Put my back out twerking in the library again

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?