It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.