Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.