I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My life coach traded me.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.