Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Science is fun!

#nottrue

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

me before I type out affect or effect

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

yeah not falling for this one