Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

I’m so full I could puke a horse

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women